Strong Enough

Oh well, good bye

2006-07-06T11:04:00.000+01:00

Hi

This will be my last post for the foreseeable future. I was hoping that this site would become a useful resource and meeting place for partners of people with HIV. However judging by visitor stats, there have been very few visitors. I don't know whether this is because of my lack of web knowledge and an inability to boost this site in search engine rankings or because people aren't interest in what I'm putting up here but it seems a little pointless to keep posting if no one is reading.

Anyway, if you're reading this and you're in a similar situation to J and me please use the links to get more information on the subject. Don't forget, life goes on, keep taking the meds and enjoy a long, happy and healthy life.

All the best

Peter

Long-term effects of drugs worry HIV patients

2006-07-01T22:11:00.000+01:00

Living with HIV is not Nikk Bowden's major concern. Like other people infected with the virus that causes AIDS what worries him most are the long-term toxic effects of the medications he takes.

According to this article on the Reuters website, fear of the side-effects of medication and of the unknown is a major worry for the vast majority of people with HIV.

Crusaid's Walk for Life

2006-06-29T08:28:00.000+01:00

It's been pretty quiet on the HIV news front over the last couple of weeks, after the 25th anniversary news coverage at the beginning of the month things have tailed off again.

This means that it is a good time to draw your attentuon to Crusaid's Walk for Life. Crusaid works in the UK and internationally to improve the lives of people affected by HIV and AIDS and to prevent the spread of the virus. They do this by

> Helping people struggling with poverty in the UK through the Crusaid Hardship Fund
> Funding information, education and services that help people with HIV and promote prevention through our UK projects
> Making grants to organisations providing life-saving treatment, education and support through our International projects
> And funding the search for better treatments and an AIDS vaccine through Research

Their Walk for Life is a 10km sponsored walk to raise money for people living with and affected by HIV and AIDS. The walk takes in some of London's favourite landmarks including Buckingham Palace, Big Ben and the London Eye.

If you're free on July 31st this would be a pleasant way to raise some much needed funds.

Top Ten Tips to a Successful National HIV Testing Day Campaign

2006-06-22T08:46:00.000+01:00

June 27 Is National HIV Testing Day in the US. Why don't we have something similar in this country? It would never have occured to J or me to get tested and it was only by accident that we found out, thinking about what might have happened if we hadn't found out is truly terrifying.

The Body has a guide to running a successful HIV Testing Day, perhaps the campaign for a UK version should start here, it would go a long way to reducing the stigma, reducing the fear and reducing the unknowing spread of HIV.

HIV and the criminal law

2006-06-21T08:44:00.000+01:00

With the widespread coverage of a case of alleged deliberate HIV infection being covered in all the UK newspapers (some coverage moderate, some less tempered, as usual) the weekly e-mail from the National Aids Map has come out with some sensible coverage. I've cut and pasted this as I can't find it on their website:

HIV and the criminal law special
Editorial
A couple of weeks ago NAM asked people with HIV as well as HIV doctors, researchers, and activists to cast their minds back to the 1980s and the early days of the HIV epidemic.

Well, today there's no need to make an effort to recall what it was like back in the early days of HIV - all you need to do is pick up a newspaper or watch a TV news report. Why? Because another person has been convicted in England of the reckless transmission of HIV and it's prompted a hysterical media reaction full of factual inaccuracies which stigmatise people with HIV generally.

This edition of HIV Weekly is devoted to the subject of the criminalisation of HIV transmission. There's an article by James Chalmers of the university of Aberdeen summarising the criminal law regarding the transmission of HIV.

The British HIV Association had produced draft guidelines for healthcare workers about the potential impact of criminalisation on their relationship with patients. Comments are invited on the draft guidelines, which can be read on the BHIVA website, and should be submitted by Friday 21st July 2006.

It is ironic that the criminalisation of HIV transmission occurred in England when the prognosis for people with HIV was never better and when the UK government is committed to combating stigma and discrimination against people with HIV. Nevertheless, it's important to remember that finding out you have HIV is a life-changing experience and for many people it involves intense upheaval and psychological distress. In this edition of HIV Weekly, you can read a first hand account (that will be published in the forthcoming edition of Living with HIV) from a man describing his reaction to finding out he had HIV and how he considered contacting the police.Many people report intense anger following their diagnosis and a desire to see the person who infected them (or who they believed infected them) held to account or punished. But in the long term I really do wonder if focusing this anger on criminal proceedings does the individual, as well as people with HIV generally, more harm than good.

HIV transmission and the criminal law, by James Chalmers
Up until relatively recently, it was thought that the transmission of HIV (at least through consensual sexual intercourse, or the sharing of drug-injecting equipment) could not amount to a criminal offence in the UK. In England and Wales, this was because the relevant offence - "unlawfully and maliciously inflicting grievous bodily harm" - had been interpreted by the courts in the nineteenth century as being restricted to cases where one person had attacked another, for example by striking a blow or using a knife. However, that interpretation of the offence changed over time, and it was gradually recognised that the offence could apply to any case of "causing" harm.

The first successful prosecution for HIV transmission in England and Wales was brought against Mohammed Dica, who was convicted of two counts of unlawfully and maliciously inflicting grievous bodily harm in October 2003. Although his conviction was later quashed by the Court of Appeal (because the judge had misdirected the jury on the question of consent), the court accepted that the transmission of HIV could, in certain circumstances, amount to a criminal offence, and Dica was convicted of a single count at a retrial. A similar conclusion had already been reached in Scotland in 2001 (where a different system of criminal law applies), when Stephen Kelly was convicted of having 'recklessly injured' his former partner by infecting her with HIV.

It should be stressed at the outset that prosecutions for the transmission of HIV are likely to be unusual. There have been two in Scotland since Stephen Kelly's conviction in 2001 (neither of which went to trial), while there have been five convictions in England following the Dica case. The Crown Prosecution Service was, at the time of writing, about to start a consultation exercise on the circumstances in which prosecutions might be appropriate.

The offence is not, it should be noted, limited to HIV, but might extend to any other sexually transmitted infection which could be considered to amount to "grievous bodily harm".

The "state of mind" required for the offence
There is no question of any person being liable of a criminal offence simply because they have transmitted HIV to another person. To be guilty of any serious criminal offence, a person must have acted with a culpable state of mind - which lawyers refer to as mens rea. The mens rea required for the offence of inflicting grievous bodily harm is intention or recklessness. In other words, for a conviction, it would be necessary to show that the defendant intended to infect the other party with HIV, or that they were reckless as to this possibility - that is, that the defendant was aware of the risk of infection. This would also be necessary in Scotland for the offence of "reckless injury" of which Stephen Kelly was convicted.

It is theoretically possible, therefore, that a person could be guilty of this offence even if they had not received a positive result from an HIV test. It would, however, be necessary to show that they were aware of a significant risk that they might be HIV-positive - for example, if they had previously been regularly engaged in unprotected intercourse with a person or persons whom they knew to be HIV-positive. While a prosecution in such a case would be unlikely, it should be made clear that avoiding taking an HIV test does not provide immunity from criminal prosecution. One of the English prosecutions to date involved a man who had never taken an HIV test, but had been diagnosed with other sexually transmitted infections, warned that he was at very high risk of being HIV-positive and had failed thereafter to attend an appointment for testing.

What is the effect of consent?
In quashing Mohammed Dica's convictions after his first trial, the Court of Appeal ruled that, where a person chooses to consent to the risk of HIV transmission (that is, they know that their sexual partner is HIV-positive and choose to have unprotected intercourse regardless of this fact), then that will be a valid defence to a criminal prosecution. This would not, however, apply in the unlikely event that the consenting party had actually wanted to become infected with HIV (and the other party had intended this to happen). It is thought that the Scottish courts would take the same view.
What if condoms are used, or high-risk activities avoided?
What is the situation if a person who is HIV-positive does not disclose this fact to their sexual partner, but uses condoms, and HIV is nevertheless transmitted? In the Dica case, the Court of Appeal suggested that the use of condoms might mean that the HIV-positive person could not be said to have acted "recklessly", and so therefore would not have the state of mind required for the offence. Similarly, if the parties refrain from high-risk sexual activities, again, "recklessness" would not be present. A problem does arise, however, in relation to unprotected oral sex, which is not normally considered high-risk but does present a more than negligible risk. It is thought that it would not be caught by the criminal law, but the exact position is unclear.

What if transmission does not occur?
In England and Wales, if an HIV-positive person has unprotected sexual intercourse without disclosing their serostatus, but the other party does not become infected, then a prosecution would be very unlikely. It is possible that there could be a prosecution for an attempt to inflict grievous bodily harm in such a case, but the prosecutor would have to show that the defendant actually intended to transmit the disease. It would not be enough to show that the positive person was simply reckless as to the possibility of the disease being transmitted. In Scotland, however, it is at least theoretically possible that there could be a prosecution for "reckless endangerment" in the absence of actual transmission.
A duty to disclose?
Because consent is a valid defence, it seems fair to say that the Dica case effectively places a legal duty on HIV-positive persons to disclose their HIV-status before engaging in high-risk sexual activities.
back to top ^
Anger - an anonymous personal response to HIV diagnosis

I wasn't really surprised when I found out I had HIV, after all I went to have an HIV test because I had all the symptoms you get soon after you're infected with HIV - a sore throat, headache, fever, and patchy red rash. The doctor who I saw before I had the bloods taken for my test didn't seem to think there was going to be much doubt about the outcome and told me to prepare for a positive result. Nevertheless, I was still a bit numbed by the result.

This numbness gradually mutated into anger. It was quite unlike any anger I'd ever felt before and quite literally consumed me. There were two focuses for this anger. First of all, there was myself. My diagnosis with HIV provided an opportunity to beat myself up, something which the homophobia I experienced throughout my adolescence and early adulthood had made me expert at.

But most of all I was furious with the man who gave me HIV. Up until I met him, I'd taken excellent care of my sexual health; I'd never even had the most minor of sexually transmitted infections. We used condoms the first few times we had sex, but he made it very clear that he didn't like them. I know that people reading this will say, "well, you should have insisted." But before you pass judgment, ask yourself: have you ever been influenced into doing something you've subsequently regretted against your better judgment?

Another issue was that he was bigger than me - not physically, but emotionally. I was 24 and he was 30. I know it doesn't sound like a big difference, but in terms of life experience and confidence it really was. He used that emotional power to bully me into giving him the kind of sex he wanted. I'm not saying I was raped or anything like that, but I was put under a lot of pressure. And the pressure to have unprotected sex needed to be seen within a wider, abuse context of the relationship - the petty undermining of my confidence, constant low-grade criticism and ridicule. Not once in our time together was I complimented or told that I was just fine as I was - there was always something the matter with the way I looked, what I said, or what I did. Why did I put up with it? Because I believed the criticism, it just confirmed what I already felt about myself and I was just grateful to have a boyfriend.

And importantly, I trusted him and loved him. I tried to talk about HIV, but always got evasive answers, such as "you've got no need to worry, if we don't use condoms rest assured I'm a dry shag, I don't leak pre-cum and I won't cum inside you."

Well, we had unprotected sex - not once, but many times. I even initiated some of it. The sex felt good and I believed it was strengthening our physical and emotional intimacy. But he wasn't such a "dry shag" after all as, within a year, I developed what turned out to be an HIV seroconversion illness. The relationship had broken down by then, and when I contacted him to tell him I had HIV he couldn't have been less concerned.

I tried to take full responsibility for my infection with HIV; after all I'd seen all the safer sex ads. But I still couldn't stop feeling so angry with him, particularly when I subsequently found out that he was believed to have given HIV to an earlier boyfriend.

My feelings of betrayal and anger were intensified by a kind of righteousness - I wanted this man stopped before he could give HIV to somebody else and ruin their life. The intensity of my anger was overpowering, indeed for about a year after finding out I had HIV it was this anger rather than anything HIV did to my body that affected my health and quality of life.

A fit of drunken rage in front of some friends prompted me to admit that I was being damaged by my anger and I sought some professional support. Initially I wanted to talk through my options about getting even and obtaining some justice. To put it simply, I wanted the man who gave me HIV punished; I told myself it would help redress the balance, I was sick and tired of punishing myself. Retribution in some form, I assured myself, would draw a line under my diagnosis and allow me to move on.

In the first few counselling sessions all I could talk about was the deep knot of fury that was tightening within me. But, as the therapy progressed, I realised that I was feeding and intensifying this anger and that doing this was exhausting and damaging me. Focusing all my energy and emotions on a quest for justice meant that I wasn't dealing at all with my HIV diagnosis and was using my desire for justice and revenge as a way of separating myself off from other people with HIV - I almost felt as if I had "good HIV." What's more, I just wasn't looking after my physical or emotional health, and more or less absolved myself of responsibility for my own wellbeing - I just felt that what had happened to me wasn't my fault and could be excused more or less any responsibility for looking after myself.

Well, I gradually worked out that I wasn't that different from other people with HIV - we all had an infection, that didn't discriminate in terms of moral worthiness. In addition, I realised that even if my desire to see my ex-partner punished was accomplished, I'd still be infected with HIV, and I needed to get to terms with what this really meant and start living with the virus and all its ramifications on a day-to-day basis.

Over the coming months I also began to gradually admit that it had taken two of us to have unprotected sex. There'd been safer sex information around for as long as I'd been sexually aware. I knew how to avoid HIV; I knew that I had responsibility for my own health; I knew not to assume anything about my partners' HIV status. The counselling helped me to start understand how my own abilities to look after myself had been eroded by the chronic homophobia I experienced throughout my adolescence. To be honest, I was so emotionally ill-equipped that, even if I hadn't contracted HIV when I did, I'd have been infected with it later on.

I'm writing this years after my diagnosis. At the time I was told that it was unlikely the law could do anything to punish the person I held responsible for my HIV infection. If it had been an option, would I have complained to the police? Well, he was a pretty unpleasant guy, but focusing on a desire for revenge did me no good what so ever. I've subsequently got on with my life; sure I've still got issues about having HIV (one of which is that I now feel semi-criminalised by being sexually active and HIV-positive), but I know for certain that these wouldn't have been solved by seeing the person who infected me imprisoned.

Goodbye AIDS. Celebs Move on to New Causes

2006-06-19T11:58:00.000+01:00

The red ribbons gave way to the pink ribbons, which were overtaken by the yellow wristbands — until light blue ribbons came along. And they've all been shoved aside by the latest color to wash over Hollywood: green.

This article from the US lays out an interesting case for AIDS having become 'unfashionable' amongst celebrities. Everyone seems to be going green these days.

UK's international HIV work not matched at home, says report

2006-06-07T08:40:00.000+01:00

An article from the Guardian which says that although the UK has an impressive track record of fighting AIDS overseas its track record at home is not so positive.

Certainly there seems to have been a drop in awareness of the risks of HIV amongst people too young to remember the advertising campaigns of the 1980s. Promiscuity and sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise but no one worries because it can all be sorted out with a course of antibiotics (or so they think). My worry is that one day HIV is going to make a leap between the gay and African communities into the 'mainstream' community and then the consequences could be horrific. It hasn't happened yet but the potential is there, as seen by the recent outbreak in Cornwall.

If I Marry Someone With HIV, Will We Grow Old Together?

2006-06-06T08:46:00.000+01:00

This is something I'm sure anyone living with someone with HIV has asked themselves. Here's a short but reassuring piece from the Q&A forum on The Body.

One positive side-effect of getting a diagnosis of a major illness such as HIV or any other condition is that it forces you to come to terms with the fact that you're not going to live forever. HIV might not kill you but something will and nobody, whatever their HIV status, is guaranteed three score and ten. When you realise that you do tend to look at things differently and to appreciate your life a little more.

Survivors with HIV challenging science

2006-06-05T08:46:00.000+01:00

If you read the histories of HIV in the West, it seems like anyone infected before 1996 was almost certain to die and anyone infected in the late 70s and early 80s would have had no chance of surviving. Unfortunately for most people this was true but there are a number of people infected as early as 1978 who are still alive today.

This article from the San Francisco Chronicle tells the story of one survivor - a story that gives hope to anyone living with someone with HIV.

Of course, while people with HIV in Western Europe and North America can manage their condition effectively with the help of an ever expanding array of medications, anyone unfortunate to be infected and living in Asia, Africa, the Carribean or South America has a lot less chance of surviving. A new book by Peter Gill entitled Body Count: How They Turned AIDS into a Crisis highlights this situation.

Twenty-Five Years of HIV/AIDS

2006-06-02T21:40:00.000+01:00

June 5th marks an important anniversary in the history of HIV/AIDS. On June 5, 1981, the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (published by the US Centres for Disease Control) published a report of Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia in five previously healthy young men in Los Angeles, California. These cases were later recognized as the first reported cases of acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS) in the United States. Since that time, this disease has become one of the greatest public health challenges both nationally and globally. Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) and AIDS have claimed the lives of more than 22 million persons worldwide, including more than 500,000 persons in the United States.

The current edition of MMWR looks back at the first 25 years of the battle against HIV.

[HIV]
[AIDS]

Challenges When Starting Antiretroviral Treatment

2006-06-01T08:29:00.000+01:00

Although I'm not HIV + I like to know as much about it as possible so that I can help J and make things as easy and safe as possible. That's why I spend so much time researching and learning about the condition. One of the most important things that someone taking HIV medication needs to learn is about adherence, sticking to your timetable for taking medication. If you don't adhere to your regimen you are severely reducing the effectiveness of whatever medication you're taking. No one's going to force you to take your pills but if you don't you've only got yourself to blame when you get sick or worse...

Read this article from The Body about adherence.

[HIV]
[AIDS]

2006-05-31T15:22:00.000+01:00

Efavirenz (sustiva) is a very common HIV medication and is usually used by people on the first course of medicine. We researched it before J took it and there were many reports of side-effects but happily J didn’t suffer too much, there were none of the bad dreams or psychological reactions usually reported. It seems like reports of psychological side-effects might have been over-stated according to this article from National AIDS Map. Whilst depression can be a side-effect of taking Efavirenz, it is by no means a universal reaction:

“Contrary to the idea widely held among HIV-infected patients, physicians, and researchers, our data showed no evidence of efavirenz having an effect on the risk of depression or suicide in the first 48 weeks of use – or even up to 36 months of use,” the researchers conclude. “However, a higher risk of these conditions occurred among younger patients and among those with a history of depressive disorder.

HIV origin 'found in wild chimps'

2006-05-28T22:48:00.000+01:00

The origin of HIV has been found in wild chimpanzees living in southern Cameroon, researchers report.

The Body

2006-05-25T08:41:00.000+01:00

The Body (see link below) sends out an excellent weekly e-mail. It's definitely worth subscribing to it if you want the latest information. This week there are a couple of articles which caught my attention:

There's an article on disclosing your HIV status to friends and families and research into whether the decision is regretted and another article on using natural therapies to make your medication even more effective.

J and I have made sure that her diet is as good as it can be and that she takes all the natural therapies she can (as long as they don't have a harmful effect on her prescriped medication). When she was first diagnosed I wanted to do something positive and nutrition seemed to be something that we could be proactive about.

HIV, the unshared burden

2006-05-23T20:09:00.000+01:00

An interesting little piece from the Times on a charity which works with children affected by HIV/AIDS. It's encouraging to see that they're going to run an advertising campaign to combat the stigma faced by people with HIV.

By the way, one of the participants in the campaign will be Thierry Henry, is there any end to his god like qualities?

And the band played on...

2006-05-22T22:33:00.000+01:00

And the Band Played on: People, Politics and the AIDS Epidemic by Randy Shilts.

This book ought to be mandatory reading for anyone interested in HIV/AIDS. According to the blurb:

Why was AIDS allowed to spread unchecked during the early 1980s while our most trusted institutions ignored or denied the threat? In this expose of one of the most important issues of our time, the author answers this question - revealing how the federal government put its budgetary concerns ahead of the nation's welfare, how health authorities placed political expediency before public health, and how some scientists valued national prestige more than saving lives.

The book was written in 1987 and obviously doesn't reflect any of the major developments in HIV treatment which have taken place in the last 10 years. As a history of the early days of HIV/AIDS it's superb.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/014011369X/qid=1148333425/sr=1-9/ref=sr_1_2_9/203-1720721-0917525

... and on

2006-05-22T22:10:00.000+01:00

After the initial diagnosis things settled into a strange new routine, weekly visits to the hospital, blood tests for J, a nightime rush to the hospital when it was discovered that J's CD4 level was only 196.

Life went on though, about a month after her initial diagnosis J began taking her medication, a combination of sustiva and combivir. Side effects were minimal and after about two months the doctor was able to report that J's viral load was undetectable.

There were ups and downs, there was the time J had the misfortune to hear an ignorant prick on a radio phone-in saying that people with AIDS deserved it. That sent J into a spell of depression which lasted for nearly a week.

J's health is good now, she adheres to her regimen 100% (the only way to ensure your well-being) and that brings us up to today.

I hope that this blog will help you and me to find our way through this mess. It seems like I talk about myself too much in it but that's the only thing I can talk about. I can't tell you what it's like to have HIV but I can tell you what it's like to live with someone with HIV.

Life went on...

2006-05-22T22:03:00.000+01:00

The doctors and counsellors said that life would go and it did.

I suffer from never being able to switch off completely though. In the early days I had a constant dialogue going on in my head, ideas and thoughts spinning around. It seemed like I was always looking for something to worry about. I’ve always been the same but now I was going to have to learn how to switch off, to relax and to get my brain to give me a rest.

In an attempt to calm my fears and to find things that I could be proactive about I researched the subject of HIV on the ‘net. There is so much information out there. I discounted anything which was more than about 3 or 4 years old as things have moved on enormously since the days when HIV was a death sentence. I focussed on improving J’s diet as that seems like a quick win, something which we coud manage and understand.

Moving on

2006-05-22T21:51:00.000+01:00

Not surprisingly we didn’t sleep well that night. I think J slept better than me, every time I closed my eyes I went back to that room and J’s reaction to the news. Every time I felt so powerless, I wanted to take the pain away from her but there’s nothing I could do.

Needless to say we awoke early the next day but in relatively good spirits, considering. When I was sure that J was OK I decided to do something positive and to go for a cycle ride. It was another criminally beautiful morning and I had to do something. The first half of the ride was fine, good in fact but on the homeward leg emotion took control of me and tears came to my eyes. The sensation of crying and cycling is a strange one but I knew that I couldn’t give in to it. I would be no use to J if I went to pieces so I had to be strong for her. I vowed not to tell her about this. Of course by the time I got home I realised that I wouldn’t be any good to her if I kept bottling things up so I told her about my ride and then everything seemed much better. Better out than in is a terrible phrase but it is right in so many ways, we agreed that we could both tell each other all of our concerns and that we should not bottle things up in an attempt to be strong for the other.

However we decided pretty soon that we couldn't tell other people. J’s parents live somewhere in Africa and are very traditional. Where she comes from there is a massive stigma attached to HIV and they just wouldn’t be able to deal with it. Strangely enough, when you read their newspapers you see countless obituaries of young people dying but none of them ever seem to die of AIDS. In a country where approximately 10% of the population is HIV positive nobody ever seems to die of it.

I would like to tell my parents eventually as they are so supporting. However it is not my call and I do wonder whether telling them would be of any benefit to them. It would just upset them incredibly and do they need that pain in their lives? If they were ever to find out they would be upset and angry that we didn't tell them but, as the cliche would have it, ignorance is bliss.

How it started...

2006-05-21T21:33:00.000+01:00

Six months ago. An innocuous enough day, no clue, no warning, nothing that would give a clue about what was going to happen. However, with six months' consideration, I can honestly say that it was the worst day of my life. No competition. I’ve always said that nothing terrible had ever happened to any of my family but I can’t say that any more.

As a bit of background, J and I have been looking into starting IVF. We’ve been trying to start a family for nearly two years but nothing’s happened. According to initial investigations it turns out that I have azoospermia. That day's appointment with the consultant was to confirm this and to discuss our options. However, that’s not important any more. Things have moved on, things are never going to be the same again.

We were kept waiting to see the consultant for an hour and a quarter. That was OK, we didn’t have anywhere else to be. We laughed and joked and passed the time. It was a bright November morning, cold but sunny, the kind of day I love. I’d been for a run that morning and it was good.

The Consultant, I’ll call him Mr T, arrived at last, sat down, opened his folder and paused. I was sure he was going to break bad news about our chances of conceiving. I wish that was all he had to say. He continued by saying that they had received the results of our standard blood tests and that there was a problem with J’s. ‘I’m afraid you’re HIV positive’. That was it, no warning, no counselling, nothing.

In times like this you fall back on clichés but none of them seem to sum it up but none of them can really describe the level of shock. J broke down in tears almost instantly, I was stunned. He added that I was HIV negative but that didn’t seem important. The nature of the condition wasn't important, the important thing was the pain it was causing J. I had promised to look after her, the best thing that had ever happened to me and I had failed.

My coping mechanism was to question the consultant. How could this be right? We weren’t coming to talk about this. Are you sure? Mr T said that the laboratory had carried out the three confirmatory tests and that there was no doubt. By this time, I was hugging and kissing J, trying to look after her, trying to make things better. As if they could ever be better. I remember telling J to hang on, that I would never let go of her.

Mr T continued, hugely awkward and obviously massively out of his depth. He made a call to the hospital’s GUM department and arranged for us to go there straightaway. The GUM department was on another site somewhere in the city centre but he couldn’t give us directions. Eventually he caved and got a nurse to come and sit with us, she was much more human than him, he couldn’t wait for an opportunity to leave us and our crying. J was distraught, she kept asking ‘why me, why me?’ and I couldn’t say anything to that. Why her? Why should such a beautiful woman, so full of health and life be cursed with this ridiculous illness? There really is no answer.

Soon after that we were in a taxi en route to the GUM department. I can picture J buried in my arms while we headed through the Friday afternoon traffic. I was trying to take care of things, I was wondering how we would get back to the hospital to pick up our car. Should I call my parents? What would I tell them? It’s strange what your brain thinks about when it’s struggling to cope with the big picture. Soon we arrived at the hospital’s second site, a fairly run down and maze-like facility just off a ring-road. We eventually found the GUM department and were soon seen by a counsellor who stressed that life goes on. As if to emphasise this she gave me a bag full of super strength condoms. She meant well but if there is ever a time in our lives that we weren’t interested in sex this was it. HIV is such a passion killer!

The rest of that afternoon was spent hugging and crying. J was booked in for further blood tests on the following Monday and me for one in about three weeks time and then we were sent back out into the world. We got back to our car at the first hospital but something was wrong. Our world had changed but everything else seemed the same as when we went in to find out about our chances of conception. Shouldn’t the skies have darkened? Should there be flags at half mast? No, people were still laughing at the bus stop, the radio was still playing its usual schedule.

By this time, around two hours after J had heard the news she was calm and collected. I don’t know how she did it but she did. All I have to do is be there to support her, to hold and care for her and to never let her down.

As a small foot note to a horrible day, something interesting happened when we got back to the house. We were understandably tearful and emotional when we got in. As we sat down in the living room we held each once again and then noticed our ginger tabby on the armchair. Playing with Frankie always cheers me up so I went over to tickle him and bizarrely Frankie had a little tear in the corner of his eye. It looked like an honest to goodness tear. I'm not a superstitious person or a believer in the supernatural and I'm not making any great claims but it seemed appropriate. Today had been sad enough to make a cat cry.